I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
