Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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