You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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