I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
