K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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