A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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