Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
