we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
