if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
