I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
