I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
