I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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