Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
