On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
