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• (803): View more from South Carolina

  I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?

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• (773): View more from Illinois

  Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...

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• (972): View more from Texas

  Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.

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• (954): View more from Florida

  Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?

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• (360): View more from Washington

  Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.

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• (913): View more from Kansas

  Speaking is such a hard concept right now

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• (317): View more from Indiana

  I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "

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• (734): View more from Michigan

  I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing

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• (705): View more from Ontario

  I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.

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• (702): View more from Nevada

  Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.

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• (239): View more from Florida

  On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?

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• (816): View more from Missouri

  You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.

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• (803): View more from South Carolina

  sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.

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