I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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