My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
