I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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