woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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