I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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