So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
