why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize