You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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