I'm pants shitting drunk right now
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
