please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize