did you get engaged???
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
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