call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
