worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
