He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
