"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
