I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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