Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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