You really coming over, don't trick.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
