My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
