My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
