Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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