my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
