How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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