your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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