i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
