I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
