Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
