Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
