youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i think my tv is drunk
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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