Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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