So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
