Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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