i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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