u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
