Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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