I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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