i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Randomize