just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
