Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
