Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
