If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
