the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
