apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize