i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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