I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
All I want is dick and wine.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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