You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
