i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Is it because I queefed?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
