Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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