Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It's shark week go big or go home
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Randomize
